I’m not talking about the kind the drug companies are more than happy to offer you drugs to fix. It’s that urge to talk when the man in your life, or who used to be in your life wants exactly the opposite.
As women, we really need connection. When it isn’t there, we can feel like a fish out of water. If only we could talk to him, he would “get it” and things would be better. Alas, one of life’s little jokes is that men, when faced with emotion, indecision, confusion or just uncomfortable with their feelings or our feelings, want to be alone. It’s that “man cave” kind of place where they want to go breathe, turn on a football game, run 6 miles…anything but talk to us. What was nature thinking???? In defense of women, we now know it’s a brain thing that partially explains our anxiety about “too much time passing”. Recent research says that we need oxytocin to rejuvenate and feel calm. Contact and connection is a greater need for women and when we don’t get it, that oxy drops big time and we feel anxious. So, guys…it’s not because we’re needy or can’t take care of ourselves. It’s that we need that contact from you. So, somewhere in the middle…your need for space to regenerate and our need for contact to feel calm and safe is where you want to aim.
What can we do when the urgency to communicate pushes us to the brink? Anything but hit the SEND button. Yes, write it all down on a legal pad, all the things you want and need to say to him. Don’t censor it, don’t judge it and by all means, use every single expletive you can conjure up. Cry, scream, call a girlfriend, make an appointment with your counselor or coach. Just don’t speak to him right now.
When is the right time to talk to him? Why not have a conversation with him and find out where that middle ground is located for both of you? These kinds of exchanges head bigger conflicts off at the pass. Find a good time when you’re not feeling stressed or defensive. Then begin with, “Let’s figure out what works for us about this need to connect…”
If the relationship is new, or you’ve only been dating for awhile, it’s an opportunity to see how you both handle emotions, discomfort and communication. If that’s high on your list of qualities that matter to you, pay attention to how you get to agreement, or not.
Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”
Donna’s Big Red Chair
Tired of watching those sunsets alone? Ready to do whatever it takes to find that special someone with whom to share this next chapter of your amazing life?
Give me a call or send me an email and we’ll do a