I Dance, You Dance…Are We Compatible?


Of course we want to be in relationship with someone who likes the same kinds of things we do…to a point. When it crosses the line and you look like you might be kissing your doppelganger, things might get a little boring after a bit. 


I’m online as often as I can screw up my courage to hit the website button to see what surprises await me. 12 Daily Matches come to my inbox every day and I’m always glad those guys don’t hear or see my bug eyes when I look at the photos and say (really to Match computers), “Are you f–king kidding me!?”. They definitely aren’t matching by photos, or they wouldn’t send those shirtless men taking selfies in the bathroom mirror at 7AM. Can you imagine!


I’m a big supporter of online dating because we aren’t getting any younger waiting for Mr. Natural to show up in the Whole Foods wearing a name badge declaring, “I’m single…tell me how to cook spaghetti squash!”. Face it. That’s only going to happen in the next romantic comedy you see.


There are many many problems associated with online dating, including the algorithm that matches us by Interests and calls it compatibility. When we scroll down beyond “5’2”, Yes. Children and they live at home, and asking someone 72 if they want more children”…we see things that person likes to do. Dancing, Music, Traveling to Zimbabwe, Meditating 8 hours a day, Motocross, Exercising 7 days a week…


We often assume that if we too share those hobbies or interests we’d be happy with them. And, most of us would be happy, but after the romance of the pink cloud fades, and we’re back to being honest…”I am terrified of heights.” “I get diarrhea every time I travel to Mexico, so I’m not traveling any more.” “I really don’t like walking that much, except to the mailbox”, that’s when we realize that compatible doesn’t mean that at all. 


When we are compatible, it’s based on the mutual desire to be together, making every effort including a lot of compromises over time, putting the relationship ahead of ourselves often, and always going to “I want to be with this person” when the shift hits the fan and we need to get through the rough patches. Compatibility is not a light-weight issue. It’s the meat of the relationship’s possibility, what makes it sacred and special to both involved. And, it’s based on shared values.


Feelings change. Values like integrity, feeling safe, the ability to navigate with a partner to solve disagreements, healthy communication, don’t change.  You may like to dance too, and travel with Imodium, and that’s what you both may want to do with your time in this period of your life. That’s all good!  But, that won’t mean you’re compatible. You can’t know from a profile, or from the initial dating and romance phase. Time and only time will show you the truth about each other and then the decision can be made to really commit to this flawed and wonderful person that you take “as is”…or not.  


So, get online. Find someone you think you might like to meet given what that profile gives you. Then, if there’s a spark, go out again and again until you have a flat tire or the car doesn’t start. That’s when you’ll begin to see the real “stuff” love takes. It’s the entrance into the next phase of exploration. You’ll see things show up that will either make a relationship happy and compatible or, sometimes, discover that it takes more than love. That’s when the courage to see and accept the truth will be most challenging because we want it to be enough.


Take your time, but begin now and see where the road takes you. It’s so worth the slogging.

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Do you want love in your life? Are you sometimes confused about head and heart, and don’t trust yourself to choose the “right” person next time? Are you curious about how to find that special someone who is compatible and wants many of the same things in a loving relationship that you do? Do you clearly know what YOU want?

Call me at 510-817-4242 or email me for a Complimentary Session! 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer and Expert in Dating and Relationships for Grown-ups

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love



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