Why Are the Boomers Ageist When Looking for Love?




Many people over 55 and using an online site to meet someone continue to post photos of themselves when they were 5-15 years younger and then wonder why people get upset when they show up for that cup of coffee or a martini to find, perhaps a still handsome or beautiful person smiling at them, but not the younger face they were struck by on that dating site.

People I coach want to justify that it isn’t really lying, arguing that it is necessary if they are going  to ever meet someone. “Nobody wants to date a man who is 70.” “I don’t want to be pushing a wheelchair in a year.” “If I put my true age in that profile, nobody contacts me.”   What’s really sad about these statements is that many times, they are true. So what ‘s the deal?

I think the reasons are complex, convoluted, and unconscious much of the time. But it’s time to begin exploring ageism among those of us who have heretofore blamed younger generations for it. Until we can understand our own ageist beliefs and perhaps pull our long and more wrinkled necks out of the sand, we are much less likely to find love.

Boomers are great! We are courageous innovators, fiercely independent, passionate thinkers and doers who, by the way, are never going to die. Not only are we never leaving this world until we make it perfect, our youthful spirit is determined not ever to sit down in a rocking chair. That’s why we refuse to see ourselves as ageing in any way shape or form. Those fortunate (or sometimes not) enough to have a good plastics guy can stay in denial longer, but beneath that smooth skin, life goes on.

So, is it any wonder that when we look in the mirror in the morning, we simply cannot see the wrinkles or realize that walking and hiking takes more energy, or that we hate to admit traveling gets more difficult as time passes?

Maybe we all have to post photos of ourselves as younger than we are to get past our own generation’s denial. Perhaps it’s just a little white lie that we make up for when, in our profile wayyyyyy down at the bottom, we say “By the way, I’m not really ______.” The harsh reality is that as we get older, the rules change about getting into relationships. One person, or maybe both, are statistically likely to get sick and die in fewer years than before. “For better or worse” becomes reality. So, with eyes wide open (as open as we can get them now), treasure the years you have and if you want to spend them with another person, show up as yourself and allow others to do the same. If when you look at that photo and know it doesn’t match their age, smile and remember the person who shows up in the coffee shop is the same man or woman in the picture, perhaps with a few more years of wisdom and life experience that might be just what you want in a perfect partner.

Trust me…there’s great love to be had and to be MADE after 55!

If you’re tired of watching sunsets alone and ready to do whatever it takes to find someone to share this next amazing chapter of your life, I can tell you how.

Email me at donna@donnasbigredchair.love to schedule a  time to talk about my 90-Day’s to Love 

Donna Bailey, MS

Coach, Speaker, Writer, Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”

Donna’s Big Red Chair

510-817-4242   donna@donnasbigredchair.love 

1 Comment

  1. Bev on November 2, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Well, it is lying! They can try every excuse in the book but a lie is a lie. Nobody wants to start off a relationship with someone who is lying to them. This is something that I have experienced a few times and would also add that not only the fact that they lied was already bothersome, but in addition I was not one bit attracted to that individual with the added 15 years or so of age lines and a declining muscle tissue and physical body appearance added on. I am vibrant, healthy and in good physical shape and am looking for the same! That is very important to many people and should be respected, not treated as though they are being too picky and should settle for less than they desire. For I will find and meet the right one who is not lying to me and that I am attracted to. I feel many persons over 50 are conscientious of how many years older than they are that they are open to their partner being and should also be respected, this is personal preference of someone. I for one want my partner around til the grave and don’t want to be suddenly be single when I’m only 70 if I can help it so have a preference of being with someone within 10 years (even that is stretching it) in that my odds are much greater that I will see them to the grave than otherwise. This one will be my last partner and if they are already 15 years older than me, my latter years could be used up as a care taker rather than experiencing a mutually loving beneficial relationship with another, again, many are not looking to be a care taker in only a few short years will find the age difference undesireable, unfortunately, its the raw truth. Perhaps had I met them 15 years earlier when they still looked like the photo I might have been attracted, but generally I have found many men target women much younger than themselves, now combine the lie with the fact that you simply are not attracted to someone 15 plus years older be it the wrinkles and very aged face to out of shape body and you have a recipe for disappointment for both parties who just met. Often the one lying feeling rejected in the end and could have been avoided if they’d been honest in the first place. I would suggest people to be honest about your age, there are plenty of persons in the same age bracket as you, i.e. 70 age group, who too want somebody and will not be put off when you show up provided you were honest with them and they knew what they were getting in to. I have had men give me the argument too of “who would date a 60 year old?”, well, I would and I did! Even though he lied about his age when we met. So had he just been honest when he put up his profile to begin with, all would have been well with me anyways! It just starts off on a bad record with the lie when they use old pictures and false ages in a profile. Above all, trust in God! He has a plan for all of us, and if you desire to have a companion, pray for it and trust it will come together thru our Maker and His timing!

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