Last week’s blog, “Are You Choosing or Backing Into Love” sent readers into somewhat of a frenzy. Many didn’t agree with me that the best way to a happy relationship is to know what you want and choose someone who is willing and capable and even happy to meet you in your happy zone. The argument centered mostly on our attraction to one another…the chemistry or “love at first sight” experience. And believe you me, I am ALL OVER the attraction phase. Who doesn’t love swimming in love juices that make each other just perfect all day, all the time? And, like Oprah and good weight loss programs say, “You don’t have to give up what you love.” But, if you want to be happy, you will have to add some additional ingredients to the sauce.
Abraham Lincoln knew something that certainly made him an amazing President when he said,
“I will prepare (myself) and someday my chance will come.”
Preparing ourselves to find someone who will be the cherry on our already amazing ice cream sundae will be necessary. Though we want someone to love us with all our flaws, imperfections and even some wounds still tender, when we enter a relationship not knowing where our still gaping holes reside, how will we know how to take care of ourselves, and what we can realistically ask a partner to help us heal? Knowing ourselves is the only way we can know who’s a great person with whom to share our lives. Skipping Step 1 will have us asking someone to be the parent we never had, never to hurt us or disappoint us and demanding that they change so that we feel better.
Author David Richo, in his book How to be an Adult in a Relationship says it beautifully. Perhaps my blog didn’t quite make this point so well…”real love does not happen by accident. Neither are we its passive victims. It requires a choice in response to an attraction. Granted, we have no choice about the reaction to it. But thereafter we choose one response after another, and for those choices we are accountable. We always have the power to make them responsibly and consciously.”
So, if I have burst your bubble, my hope is that you will accept the responsibility and enjoy the feeling of choosing your happiness in finding someone with whom to share this next chapter of your life. Please leave your comments, feelings and questions below. I am writing a book even as you read this, and this area is one of the foundations of what I believe about finding love. I would really love to hear your ideas and experiences.
And I would appreciate your posting this on your Social Media pages…save someone some heartache!
If you or someone you know is ready for Step I that will lead to love and joy, not more of the same
Give me a call to set up a “Choosing Love” session and find the right path to that special someone.
Donna Bailey, MS
Coach, Speaker, Writer , Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”