I am sorry to switch gears on you from “magic” to something that can happen to all of us in our lifetime of relationships and those never-ending journeys to find love…not just any love, but good, sweet and healthy love. This is not for my women readers alone, but for the men as well. We think that this kind of subtle abuse happens to women. That men are the perpetrators. That’s a stereotype we need to get over. So, even if you are swimming in the feather comforter with your sweetheart forever, someone in your life may be experiencing this kind of relationship right now and here’s how you can help.
You can reach them and let them know they are far from crazy and that there’s a way to get that voice back! Repost this on your social media sites right now.
Excerpt from The Washington Post August 29, 2016
Carolyn Hax, Columnist
Dear Carolyn: I was in a relationship once with a man who initially seemed charming and wonderful, but who took exception to nearly everything I said about him. He would not listen when I explained I meant no harm, and the end result was that over time, I came to feel responsible for his happiness, and I questioned my worth because I was constantly being painted as a bad, uncaring, lousy person, and constantly put in a situation where I spent a lot of energy trying to explain myself/clarify and communicate better.
Doing this took away energy from other things in my life (my friends, my job, etc.), isolated me, and made me preoccupied with fixing something that wasn’t really broken. My boyfriend, despite his concerns and complaints, was not interested in ever connecting about the perceived issues.
He used my growing unease about offending him and my censoring myself as a means to control me. He’d punish me for imagined slights and constantly paint me to be a bad person to our friends, thus isolating me and interfering with my ability to socialize and to have healthy self-esteem.
By making me feel paranoid about voicing anything he might perceive as criticism early on, he effectively and calculatedly stifled my voice. It meant that by the time he very abruptly and shockingly changed from charming and sweet boyfriend to abusive inhumane monster, I was already solidly prepped to stay silent! This is how abusers get away with what they do, by instituting this kind of mind control and manipulation to allow them to escalate later on. I would be very careful when dealing with anyone who forces their partner to tiptoe around speaking their mind.
I’ve been there. And now, I’m not. Articles like this and my friend and expert in this field, Rhoberta Shaler, PhD offer such hope to us all. Check out Rhoberta’s website and download her free e-book, How to Spot a Hijackal. It’s all anonymous and just like me, she knows you can have a life beyond this kind of experience.
Are you ready for sweet sweet love?
Let’s talk about how to change those patterns of attraction to men and women who can’t love
Call or email me for a Complimentary Strategy Session
510-817-4242 or firstname.lastname@example.org
Donna Bailey, MS
Dating and Relationships for “Grown-ups”
Donna’s Big Red Chair