She Doesn’t Want to Move In?


Three women in living room toasting champagne and smiling


It was “ladies night” at the wine bar in a trendy neighborhood in San Francisco. Twenty-somethings pushing thousand dollar strollers, every piece of real estate under construction and there we were, all of us over 50, catching up on our own sweet, albeit more “mature” adventures.


Refinancing after the death of a spouse, the merits of “tiny houses”, paring down, stories of friends living their dream of sailing around the world, and the merits of pension funds even if staying on that job for two more years might lead to an early death…and, of course we always talk about dating and relationships, past and present (or not). That’s what was coming down for “the girls” tonight.


One of my friends has been dating a guy for about a year now. Her husband passed away after a long illness. She quite loves this new man and spends several nights a week with him. They’ve taken extended vacations, met one another’s family and even made peace with the fact that adult children living at home are more the norm now than ever before. She has nothing but great things to say about the relationship and yet, tonight once again declared, “I’m not the least bit interested in moving in with him. I love my house and my time alone there.”…well, not really alone, but in the company of her own “girls” who purr and snuggle with her all night long.


Today, the “rules” of engagement in relationships are new and exciting. We have options and choices like never before. And it’s the “never before” that can make us doubt and wonder if it’s really OK. Women, historically were supposed to want to “merge” and men were often assigned the role of resisting. “I’m not sure if I am ready to have your clothes hanging in my closet” was the domain of men. Now, women are speaking that language and claiming their space too.


No matter whether it is the man or the woman who says I don’t want “that”(the old rigid rules that defined relationships), let’s bring in the new and the possible! If you have been reticent to open yourself to love because you thought it meant___________, it’s a new day for all of us in this chapter of our lives. Get out there and find someone who wants exactly what you want. Trust that we are “not your father’s Oldsmobile” any longer. Custom design your definition of what a relationship can look like, then go ahead and make it happen!


If you believe someone is just waiting right around the corner

and you aren’t sure how to find them…

Let’s talk together! 

510-817-4242 to set up an appointment for a Complimentary Strategy Session

Donna Bailey, MS

Dating and Relationships Coaching and Speaking

Donna’s Big Red Chair

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