A picture is worth a thousand words, so they say. Hopefully this picture summons a version of the true way men feel when we are upset with them and try to tell them…
I spent most of my life talking too much and repeating myself to make sure the man in my life really “got it”. And most of the time, he either didn’t get it at all because he felt like this man, or he got it the first time I said it and just didn’t respond on my timetable.
There are so so many things men and women do not understand about each other, and I truly believe that if we took the time to educate ourselves about how different we are and learned how to best reach each other, the divorce rate would geometrically decline.
Good men need and want relationships despite the myth that they only want a good lay. I’ll say it again to all of you who hear this a lot from me…men want to make women happy and they want to do things that create peace and happiness and that make them feel useful. The only men who don’t want these things are sociopaths or narcissists and those men need help from professionals.
They also need direct and clear communication about what you need from them that will please you. Ladies, don’t wait for them to figure it out, believing something crazy like this:
“He should know what I need because if he really loves me, he will just know.” That’s mind-reading, an unfair expectation for anybody.
When you have strong feelings about something that happened between the two of you, take a walk or go to the gym and process it for a bit. When you are more calm, ask him to let you know when he can make the time to talk about something that’s on your mind. Then, wait long enough for him to do that in his time, not yours. If that doesn’t happen, remind him gently that you’d like to share something with him and ask him if he has a few minutes to do that. Remember, “We need to talk.” is like throwing gasoline on a fire for men. Avoid it!
Now, you’re seated together. The kids are in bed, IPhones on silent and both of you calm and rested if possible. Begin with reassurance…”You know I love you very much”. “I know you love me and you never would do anything to (disappoint, hurt, make me angry). When you _____________ (put what happened in here), I felt/was_______________ (try the 4 emotions, sad, mad, lonely, tired). What I needed from you was ____________ (help, support, understanding, just to listen to me). When that didn’t happen, I felt__________. So, I’m sorry if I got mad (walked away;etc.) Do you understand now?” Then, see if you are on the same page and give him time to respond. When he can feel he has to power to act on something and sees that he has made you happy, everyone will feel they’ve been heard…winners in the game of relationships!
Try communicating using fewer words, less emotion and giving him more direct information about how he can make you happy by doing what you want and need.
Leave your comments below or email me to let me know how it works the next time you try the new way!!
Donna Bailey, MS
Dating and Relationships Coaching
Donna’s Big Red Chair