Why Online Dating Won’t Work for You




This morning I got yet another email from a friend who desperately (not in a crazy woman way) wants love. Or she says she does. “Online dating is just not working for me”.


I can’t tell you how many times I hear this from friends, clients, people who come to hear me speak about finding love by finding yourself and each time someone says that to me I can feel the inevitable sadness that accompanies giving up on something for which we long.


It’s as if the sadness begins to spread out, become contagious and dampen the hopes of everyone within earshot.


What would happen if you got up every morning to look for a job and as your turned on your computer to begin the search, said to yourself…”Well, I’ll look, but I know there is nothing out there for me.” Even if you think that “thoughts become things” is a bit too woo woo for you, you’d better believe it. How can you find love or a job or anything else if you don’t believe it is even there to begin with?


The first step to finding someone to love is believing that you are lovable. If you are in a funk, suffer from untreated depression or still believe those old voices in your head, you will most likely not find it. Worse yet, you may find someone who will prey on your own sense of unworthiness and take full advantage of your sweet heart. It can happen to all of us and it has certainly happened to me. It may look like love because you want it so badly, but over time you will know this isn’t how love feels…and then, it’s time to get out of there and heal before you get back on that horse.


Online dating is just one way to find out more about yourself. Writing that profile is the biggest exercise in self-revelation that I know. And, sifting through the many profiles online adds to your information about yourself! Yep. Nope. No Way!  These are ways you are discovering who you are. And you’ll need to know that first. If you don’t know what job you are seeking, how will you ever find it? Same for love.


When I hear someone say that online dating isn’t working, I want to say “Why do you think that is?” Of course, we’ll want to say things about “them”. If you are saying this, ask yourself first, “What about me is not allowing this to work for me?”  That’s where the truth rests most of the time.   And, speaking of time…that’s what it will take to find love. You have to be willing to do the time.  Keep asking the right questions.


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