Chemistry, Fireworks, Spark…Do You Have to Have It?

burning heart



This is one big burning question when you are looking for someone to love, and after you (think you) have found him/her.  I so wish I could make this blog one paragraph of definitive answers for you, but like the movie title says,  “It’s Complicated”.


Whether you believe in evolution or some other way of looking at how it all got started, one thing’s for sure. We were set up to mate but not necessarily to date. Romantic love is a relatively new concept, but sex is as old as time.


We pass hundreds of people by walking down the street, click or swipe “No Thanks” over and over indicating no interest, spark or as Carrie said on “Sex and the City”, Zazazoom. And then he/she appears and from the soles of our feet we can feel it…spark, chemistry, attraction. What is it? Their eyes, the way they smile, gorgeous silver hair, long slender legs? Who knows? But WE KNOW when we feel it but what does it really mean??


Having chemistry when we first meet someone is mostly oxytocin and there’s nothing wrong with that drug. It’s fabulous for launching us into the pink cloud, making life feel really juicy, and bringing us the sense of connection all human beings need. That’s what I mean..someone or something knew what they were doing. But, beyond this initial rush to bring us together lies the next layer of that question. The fireworks are gone, you aren’t all verklempt. Did you make a mistake?


Long term relationships are a different discussion, and that merits its own blog, but for now, this one is about new relationships and the question I get asked all the time… “I didn’t feel that spark when I met him, but I enjoy him. Will it come in time?”


There are some professionals who would say that chemistry isn’t necessary for every relationship to be “successful”. Shared interests, companionship, and an agreement that sex isn’t part of the relationship can be ways some couples enjoy each other’s company. But, you need to define “successful” for yourself and be honest about what makes you feel content and happy when you are in a relationship. As a friend of mine once said, “Every couple has their thing.”


If spark feeds your soul and without it you feel as if something is missing, then you have answered your own question. For some people, not having chemistry or feelin’ the burn and settling for a relationship can signal fear of being alone.  When we settle out of fear, the loneliness can be far greater than living alone and waiting for real love.


Be mindful of the nature of the chemistry of love and of sex. If you feel the spark when you meet them, what a blessing. Only time will tell you if you have more than spark and any hope for burning love, so take your time before you jump into bed (I know…I hate to say that, but) because sex can confuse the issue and believe me, the same thing/one that created that oxytocin did not give us an antidote.


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