What is it about women and “We need to talk.” ?
I have spent a lifetime learning a very important lesson about needing to “talk” and ended relationships that may have been viable because of what I didn’t understand about men. You can talk with a man you care about, but here’s what you need to know…
1. Men want to make you happy. Though they may not always behave in ways that succeed, for them your happiness makes their world go round.
2. Many men feel that no matter what they do or say, they can’t make the woman they love happy. “It seems I can never get it right.” is one of the most common feelings and statements I hear from men. Go back to #1…THEY WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
3. When men feel they can’t make you happy, they start stepping back just at the time you want them to step forward. In fact, maybe the “talk” was about wanting more intimacy/closeness/communication?
4. You feel abandoned, angry, sad, afraid and now you know the “truth”. He really doesn’t care about you.
This is a pattern as old as dirt. It destroys more relationships than anything I know. So, how can you communicate your needs to the man you love?
1. Ask yourself what is really going on.
2. What part might you be playing? Do you expect him to meet a need that perhaps you need to meet yourself? Are you remembering just the errors he made, the bad times and forgetting all the amazing wonderful times when he did “get it right”? Do you expect him to be there for you like your best girlfriend?
3. Is this something that is “old” or “new”? Is it really about this man or someone or something in your past coming back to haunt your current relationship?
4. Is there a way you can share how you are feeling in a way that is not blaming?
5. Might it be better not to text him until you have answered # 1-4?
We all listen best when we feel safe and loved. Calling a pow-wow with someone does not foster those feelings. We show up waiting for blame, criticism, looking around for the other shoe to drop. We can’t really listen with that poltergeist in our brain!
So, after you have done your own work (Items 1-5), give him a hug, tell him how much you appreciate him ( and mean it), do something that brings you together in love (hmmmmmm???) and you will create an opportunity to tell him what’s on your mind in an atmosphere where everyone can feel heard, loved and accepted.