What Qualifies as a Break-Up?

landy and the trampHave You Ever Experienced This?


You meet someone, feel like you’d like to know more about him/her so you make a “coffee date”. The beauty of those of course is that you don’t get an ulcer over a long dinner while you say over and over, “What was I THINKING?!”


Okay, the conversation was stimulating, you share some stories about your crazy families, agree you would prefer the Muppet Movie over The Hunger Games and there is enough in there to say, “Yes, let’s have dinner.” A week later you are slurping pasta together like “Lady and the Tramp”.  Well, actually only one of you is feeling the “Lady and the Tramp”thing. That explains why you give them a hug and make sure you stay out of the Lip Zone. In your mind, you think…”they get it”, right? It was nice, they are nice and in fact will make someone a great date or even a partner…but not you.


Your phone rings, the ID screams, “Now, what do I say?” Maybe you feel the courage and readiness to answer it, and perhaps an email will be a better way of saying “thanks, but no thanks.” Hate this part???? Who doesn’t, but alas, it is part and parcel of the dating scene. So…here goes.


Couched in honesty, empathy, good clear communication and sincerity you tell them it just “isn’t there.” Maybe you say they are the nicest person you have ever dated, not to mention brilliant and fun…and they hear that part. And/but, (insert your best version of a gracious, “I’m just not into you.” here), and it begins…


“I don’t understand. I am confused. I don’t get it. You said in one of your emails…, you seemed like you were having fun…and if I am that nice, why don’t you want to see me again?”


So, you try again with confidence, humility and empathy to say “I am just not attracted to you. I just don’t think we are a match.” I gave it a chance, but I just don’t feel it.” And now, you think you have really hit on the right words and that he/she will say, “OK, I understand. Wish it weren’t so, but I understand.” That is ALL we want. How often does it happen like this?


So, here is the question…how long a period when we meet can we do what Winnie the Pooh did, “go on a little explore”, before we move into any phase of commitment? Doesn’t all the new literature tell us to take our time, not to rush or jump into bed too soon? And yet, something happens, at least to one person involved and it seems even after two dates, someone is left hurt and wounded again.


The only answer is to show up open to finding love. Honest communication and an agreement to take it slow and easy and just do a “fact-finding” mission for awhile…facts not including what kind of lube she/he prefers. And if you are honest in your intentions, confusion and hurt might happen for the other person any way. That is his or her issue to work out. Stay strong and stay in the game!

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